i just wanna soil my oats bro
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm like, not good at living.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
