Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
