Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
