If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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