I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
barbara walters just said penis...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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