You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
