Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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