At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
