I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
