I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
you never un-have a 4some
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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