You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
