i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
