Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm determined to sit on that face.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
