Just fell off a train. Bad.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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