Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
