i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
