Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Still dying that you shit outside
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
