Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
