I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
