I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
