I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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