# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
