theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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