I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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