You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
