The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
