My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
