Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
