please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
