the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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