i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
