she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
