i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
