She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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