look no pants
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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