it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
