You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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