can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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