So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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