Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
