i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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