if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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