You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
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