my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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