I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
