I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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