I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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