You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
