I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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