Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
